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All your jokes!!

Post  SammyD on Mon 31 Jan - 18:24

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
> of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know
> what hole I'm on."
>
> She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
> thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
> again.
>
> He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm
> sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me
> what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14;
> you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
>
> When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and
> asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
> they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
>
> "I'm in sales."
>
> He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
>
> She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to
> know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
> He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
>
> He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
>
> She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
> He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
> still one hole behind you."*
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Re: All your jokes!!

Post  SammyD on Mon 31 Jan - 18:38

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says, 'What would you do?

The cab driver replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
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Re: All your jokes!!

Post  SammyD on Tue 1 Feb - 19:59

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that every evening, 10 men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to R100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this :-

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay R1.
The sixth would pay R3.
The seventh would pay R7.
The eighth would pay R12.
The ninth would pay R18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay R59.

So, that's what they decided to do....... The 10 men drank in the bar every evening and were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner said, "Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by R20".

Drinks for the 10 men would now cost just R80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the R20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that R20 divided by six is R3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

Therefore, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing.
The sixth now paid R2 instead of R3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid R5 instead of R7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid R9 instead of R12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid R14 instead of R18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid R49 instead of R59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a rand out of the R20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got R10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a rand too.
It's unfair - he got 10 times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get R10 back, when I got only R2? The wealthy always win!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists, labour unions and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
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Re: All your jokes!!

Post  SammyD on Tue 1 Feb - 20:01

Why No Coloureds were involved in 9/11 by MARK LOTTERING...!!

- Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights.

- We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves.

- Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we'll sommer forget why
we're there.

- We praat with our hands, so we'll continually be putting the
weapons down.

- We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a "moerse"
fight with each other.

- We'll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we
even get on the plane & one of us is bound to say out loud: 'Gaan kak
man! Dan hijack jy die foken plane alleen!!'

- Ons kannie 'n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week
before doing it, telling them: 'Moet vir niemand se nie, ho!'

- We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein
Pavillion.

- We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of
the hostages.

- When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system
for a karaoke session, with one doos trying to sing 'I did it my way'.

- We would first rob every one of their Ray-Bans, cellphones and
gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.

- Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the
airport to see us off, crying their"bleddie" eyes out, and your
mother saying to the white ou next to her: 'I'm so proud of him. It's
the first time he's hijacking a plane!'

- We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go-way
clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en
'n moerse attitude.

- Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home..

- Three of us would have overweight luggage.

- All of us would have luggage.

- We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first.

- Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the
toilet to first gel our hair.

- We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, played the
music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the
chicks could see us...
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